Awake My Soul

This is really short. I just wanted to say that I love the song: Is it Too Late to Apologize by The Oh Wells. Also, the song really talking about me right now is that song and My Heart Has a History by Paul Brandt.
Look at this link: http://ahymeerovs.tumblr.com/post/5986812876 Totally true.


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Thinking About Things . . .

Hey Guys,

I am going to apologize in advance for a sort of depressing post coming up. 

My post yesterday was to do with Mandy going missing and today I'm thinking that maybe she had the right idea. Why can't we just run away / get taken when life gets hard or parents suck? Speaking of which, I am so tempted to pack a bag and just beat it. I don't know where I would go, but seriously who cares? When you are all alone it doesn't matter about where you go, just what you do and who your with. In this case it would be no one. Which would be a bonus.

Have you ever just wanted to disappear and see who really gives a shit? I do . . . but I would never be able to do it because I would have to leave my friends. Usually I would include my family in that scenario, but since my family kind of sucks at the moment, any place would be better than here.

I don't know if many of you have ever thought about / almost / attempted suicide. I know that I have. I have come so close to actually following through with it, but it's weird how at the point when your life would end, you all of a sudden feel more peaceful and realize how worthwhile life is. Not everyone thinks this, obviously, or else they wouldn't have committed suicide.

Other times, I wish that I had cancer. Then I could really see who cared about me and who just pretends to care about me just for the show. Although, if I had cancer it would be difficult to see who cared, because it would seem "right" to care for me.

One thing I REALLY do not like is when you have been out all day, and when you come home you are in trouble for something totally random. 

Current Quote: "Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke

Current Song: What the Hell by Avril Lavigne

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The Stand

Hello Everyone,

I would like to start this post off with a link http://www.globalnews.ca/Langley+teen+missing+since+Saturday/4939560/story.html. I believe so whole-heartedly in the power of prayer, so could everyone reading this please pray for her and her family? Please pray that she will be found and return safely to her family and friends. I wasn't the best of friends with Mandy, but the times we have spoken I have found her to be a truly special person from the inside out. Please everyone, pray that God can lead her home and lead the RCMP to her current location.

I don't know how many of you know someone that has gone missing, but honestly it is such a shock to me that it feels like I am inside of a novel or a movie because it has never happened to me. This is just one of the many times that I wish I had a magical wand to save the world and for justice to be served. I feel so helpless sitting here at my house while Mandy is out there somewhere . . . God please help her and protect her while giving the police wisdom and insight into what has happened.

If I were to hate one thing in the world, it would be seeing my loved ones hurting. And that is exactly what happened today at school. I do not enjoy feeling helpless, but I believe that God can help her and provide the police with information and He will. Deo volente.

Current Quote: "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

Current Song: Here In My Heart by Jimmy Rankin

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Hey Stranger

Hello everyone!

I am awfully sorry that I have been lazy and haven't updated you on my life! Probably because I live a VERY boring life, nothing compared to other people.

I am still in that numb phase. There are days that I can . . . push it aside and ignore it, but most of the time I just feel so "blah."

I do NOT like Nick anymore, I haven't liked him since November, I think. Before spring break I had a crush on a different guy (started a week or so after I finished my "thing" for Nick). His name is Kyle. Again, I hardly know him, but he is a different guy all together; he doesn't party (to my knowledge), he has an amazing brother (I think that they are similar), and he isn't afraid to talk to people if they talk to him. He won't judge you if you are younger. Oh, he's in the twelfth grade as well. Wow, I am so lame. I have a lot of variety in my life, don't I?

Oh! One of my best friends, Alex, left for Africa on March 6th and I got my second e mail from her since her departure today! (First e mail was from London). I miss her so much and I canNOT wait until she gets back so that I can hear all of her wonderful stories. That girl is so wise, and God-filled. It is very inspiring. <3

I don't know what else to say because this is one of those times where I have to censor my thoughts or else people could be offended by a mis-type. WOW! Technology these days, eh? (I am Canadian, don't judge.)

Current Quote: "Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory." - J. Donald Walters

Current Song: I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy

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Love Snow

Hello!
Well I am much cheerier this morning; sorry to everyone who thought my last post was kind of a downer, but this one is going to be more jubilant.

Have you ever noticed that the snow is like love? They are both very similar. When snow first falls, it looks perfect and you want to be careful as to not disturb it and mess it up; same with love, you do not want it to end so you try to protect and conserve it.

Also, when you look out your window at the beautiful snow, you can't help but think that it makes everything look more beautiful; how it covers it all with a thin layer inviting you out. This is like love because when you see love, you notice how it makes the lovers look more beautiful and they glow; also, it makes you wish that you had love, you want to see what it's like.

It can also be like a snow storm and you are stuck in the middle of it; snow storms are freezing cold and there is chaos all around you, it is uncontrollable. Love can be cold, and it sure as hell can be chaotic; and the one thing everyone says about love is that it is uncontrollable, you don't think before you fall, you just do.

There are many more examples of snow and love and their similarities, but it is up to you to think of them. You can comment if you have any other idea's of how snow and love are similar, it would be interesting to see what you think. :)

And I have been able to write another post because the power was out at school this morning so it got cancelled, but apparently 45 minutes after they cancelled it the power came back on! That sucks.

Current Quote: Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy; even love unreturned has its rainbow. - Eaton Stannard Barret

Current Song: Everybody by Keith Urban

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Just to Get High

Hey.
Have you ever felt so . . . numb that everything you do, you can't muster up the energy to at least pretend to be happy? Well that is how I am feeling as of now. I don't even know why; actually I do know why, but it's really stupid.

Today at school, I was wandering around in the halls with Hendrika, and we walked past the front foyer where Nick was hanging out with his friends. Anyways, are we walked by I could totally smell something disgusting; turns out that it was some sort of drugs (cigarette or weed). And it was on Nick. I mean, I already knew that he did smoke and stuff, but it's a whole other element when I actually witness the stench on him. It actually broke my heart, I know its cliche and such; but I could feel my heart ripping out of my chest and totally going out to him. I wish that I was better friends with him so that I could go over and smack his head and say "What the hell are you doing?! You are going to kill yourself one day and that will leave a certain girl very depressed. Stop being an ass and start being an individual!" But of course, I just walked by and glanced at him once in a while, but he didn't notice. He never will.

This song was shown to me by my best friend, Sarah, and I will post the lyrics to it down below. Look at them.

Last Call by Lee Ann Womack

I recognized your number,

It's burned into my brain,

Felt my heart beating faster,

Every time it rang.

Some things never change,

That's why I didn't answer.

I bet you're in a bar,

Listening to a country song.

Glass of Johnny Walker Red,

With no one to take you home.

They're probably closing down,

Saying, "No more alcohol."

I bet you're in a bar

'Cause I'm always your last call.

I don't need to check that message.

I know what it says.

"Baby, I still love you,"

Don't mean nothing when there's whiskey on your breath.

That's the only love I get.

So if you're calling.

I bet you're in a bay

Listening to a cheatin' song

Glass of Johnny Walker Red

With no one to take you home

They're probably closing down

Saying, "No more alcohol"

I bet you're in a bar,

'Cause I'm always your last-

Call me crazy but

I think maybe

We've had our last call.

I bet you're in a bar.

It's always the same old song.

That Johnny Walker Red,

By now it's almost gone.

But baby, I won't be there

To catch you when you fall.

I bet you're in a bar

'Cause I'm always your last call.

Man, oh man, do I ever wish I was more confident sometimes; just so I could go and talk to him like a friend or something. Just to make conversation. And I also wish that I was more everything, beautiful, confident, funny, etc. then I think that he would like me, or at least look twice at me.

I'm stupid for thinking that though. Dang.

Sorry for being a downer today . . .

Current Quote: A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It's just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one. - Unknown

Current Song: Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

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What's Going On?

Hello Everyone!

I don't know what the weather is like where you are, but where I am there is so much snow; around four inches. Wow! :)

My family and I volunteer at this placed called NightShift Street Ministries which is an organization that is sort of like a soup kitchen, but we are actually outside with everyone and interacting with them. We have a food trailer and a clothing trailer also we have two tables for drinks and dessert.

Anyways, tonight was our night to go out and volunteer and we did. It was a great night, minus the freezing cold weather that I totally was NOT prepared for; I was on drink duty (as usual), which rocked. That was very uneventful, nothing really happened that is worth taking note of, except for a little boy was there, he was around eight to ten and he wanted hot chocolate, but we ran out so more was being made. He was hanging around with his dad waiting to get some, and then when the hot chocolate was brought out to us he walked to the end of a very large line of people to wait. As he passed me I asked him if he wanted hot chocolate, but he said "I am going to wait my turn." I kept looking back at him and over at his dad who was sitting on a boulder to the left of me; I think that God nudged me and I grabbed a cup and filled it with hot chocolate and I asked his dad if the boy would want marsh-mellows and he nodded; so I gave him that cup and he was so grateful. It was totally heart-warming; totally a God-moment. :)

After that, before the dessert was given, we had a prayer circle where a whole bunch of people (volunteers and street-friends) join hands and we pray for their problems and stuff, pretty cool. Anyways, I was standing there holding hands with two volunteers when BJ (a family friend-ish, a year younger than me, pretty cool guy), Michael, and two of Michael's friends (Logan and Christian) came and joined our group. We all made more room for them and they went beside me, so now it was ordered like this: Christian, Michael, Logan, me, and BJ; all holding hands. Halfway through the prayer BJ turns to me and he says, "are you really that cold?" and I looked at him like what? And he said "well your shivering and stuff . . . ." and I nudged him with my shoulder and glared at him, but he like grabbed my hand more, if that makes sense; but it totally warmed me up a little.

After the prayer circle, we went back to serving drinks and dessert, nothing exciting happened. Afterwards, however, a guy named Stephen/Steven came and got a drink and we started talking. It was amazing to hear his story and how he totally hadn't planned to be on the street, he used to be a very successful businessman, but then he had a brutal breakup and he turned to drugs, and then a whole bunch of things happened, resulting in him being on the streets. It was really heart-breaking for me because I have been so blessed with so much things and it is hard to comprehend that it could all be gone in a matter of choices. Man, oh man.

I will now update you on my week.

Well, my best friend, Sarah, came back from a too-long vacation to Arizona and California for two weeks; she came back and made my life much better. For one, she gave the guy I like my number, which normally I would have been pissed about, but he actually texted me and we had a little conversation, so it was all fine.

Yesterday, the Fantastic Four (Alex, Sarah, Hendrika, and me) had an adventure; we technically skipped school for the first time EVER yesterday (I know we are in eleventh grade and all, but still!), but it was a very memorable experience. :)

To let you know, I like this guy named Nick; at first, second, and third glance there is not much to him. I don't even understand why I like him as much as I do, but I like him none the less. I have liked him since the first day of school in September, when he sat next to me in gym class (which I ended up quitting, dammit.) He has amazing, deep blue eyes that make me loose my breath each time I look into them. He is in twelfth grade. He has brown hair that is hardly ever neat and tidy; which is a nice touch. He is skinny and he has braces. I don't really know a lot about him, which is totally bad, but I think that he is nice, funny . . . and that is all I can think of because I hardly know him, which is incredibly stupid, I know. We have a lot in common, we both: play soccer, listen to country music, like Nickelback; and he drives a truck. :)

I know I shouldn't like him, for so many reasons including his party habits, the fact that he smokes and drinks, and the fact that I barely know him; but I can't explain why I am so damn attracted to him. It is very frustrating, especially because there is no chance that we will ever go out; mostly because he doesn't even notice me and if he did, he wouldn't want to date someone like me.

If anyone wants to get to know me a little bit more from before, around three years ago, you can check out a blog that I used to have, but have forgotten the information to use it. Here is the link: http://my-random-life-kat.blogspot.com/

Current Quote: When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." - Erma Bombeck

Current Song: Lead Me by Sanctus Real

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